In case you didn’t catch it, the title of tis week’s long read is indeed an Olivia Rodrigo reference to her song ‘Vampire’. That’s because I want to talk about creative vampires. And by that I mean the people in our lives who aren’t supportive of our creative goals or dreams, and usually leave you feeling drained, defeated, or just worn out after you’ve spent time with them.
For some of these people, it’s easy to just put up a boundary. After all, no one needs these kinds of people in their lives. What’s the point of all that stress and disappointment just to need time to build yourself back up after being with them? However, there are some cases where that isn’t always possible. Perhaps the person is a coworker, a dear friend’s partner, a relative that you may encounter at family gatherings, or a person in a position of influence that you just don’t want to tick off.
For example, I’ll soon be attending an event where I’ll run into one of these vampires. I very much want to attend tis event and it will be beneficial for me to network there, but, yes, the vampire will also be there, likely for the same reasons. The funny thing is, it took me a while to even realize just how much of a vampire they are. Artists deal with a lot of rejection and criticism, but we don’t always recognize it when its coming from someone meant to be a supporter. So when someone is meant to be ‘in your court’, how do you recognize and deal with their put downs and judgement?
The vampire in my life is very successful in their own field. Yet they are extremely critical of anyone pursuing their dreams in any other area. Despite not having the experience, they often tell others what they can and can’t do in regard to their own artistic field and creative goals. That advice is frequently negative and generally aimed at steering a person away from pursuing a big dream. Why do they do this? I don’t know. Perhaps they are jealous or didn’t get to pursue a dream of their own, or maybe they just enjoy the control of another person, or have a brief high from the ego hit. Who’s to say, really? It isn’t what matters here. Ultimately the reason isn’t ever going to be about you. So what does matter is understanding that these vampire have no real influence or control over your life, creatively or otherwise.
I first met my vampire when I went through a few big disappointments, so I didn’t always register their lack of support when I was already being so hard on myself. However, it was after I began building myself back up when their lack of support and enthusiasm really hit me. At first, I thought this was just about me, but then I witnessed them do it to another acquaintance who made big changes in their life to pursue a goal. The goal was very different from mine, and had no relation to any expertise the vampire might have, and still the same criticism, naysaying, and dream crushing began.
It was disappointing to realize this person would likely never become a supporter, and worse, would probably always try to crush my big dreams. However, it’s better to recognize this, know it has nothing to do with me or my plans and abilities, and be able to put up a boundary. Even if I can’t always put distance between us, at least I know their authority is not to be trusted, and that their so-called expertise is not likely to be in my best interests. In other words, the Vampire’s opinions no longer affect me in any way. In one ear and out the other, as they say.
So how do you recognize these vampires in your own life? Well, the easiest tell is how you feel after spending time with one. Do you feel energized and excited, or drained and defeated? Also, pay attention to how the people around you speak abut others and their goals or big life events. Are they supportive, encouraging, and excited for the other person? Or do they criticize, expect failure, and call down others for their supposedly impossible goals (even when already achieved)?
This is why it’s equally important to look at how you speak about others, and that includes your own competition. Are you excited for your peers when they succeed? Or do you find ways to tear them down?
Of course there are exceptions to this. We all know someone who got ahead through favours, cheating, family relations, etc… It’s okay to be less supportive of people who don’t play fair. But for all of us out there honestly trying to pursue their goals, whether it be to write a book, sell a painting, build a house, or have a baby, are you supportive of them? Do you celebrate their wins and successes, even if they aren’t your own, or are in competition with you? Because how can you expect to receive the same support if you aren’t supportive of others.
It’s said that people often remember not what you told them, but how you made them feel. This rings so true when it comes to supporters in our lives. In other worlds, don’t be a vampire. Be a cheerleader. It’s a much happier life to live.